


Ghosts of the Banished

by VLee



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banishment, Hurt/Comfort, I swear this has a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Magic Revealed, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-08-01 13:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16285775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VLee/pseuds/VLee
Summary: After Merlin's secret is revealed, Arthur can't find it in himself to kill him, so instead he banishes him.One month later, he finds a letter from Morgana laying in his room, and below it, a torn and bloody red neckerchief.Sometimes, there are fates worse than death, and Arthur doesn't know if he regrets not pulling his sword.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I am aware of how extremely short this first chapter is, but I can assure you that this is just to get the introduction out. As I'm writing it now, the rest of the story will average 6k words per chapter (so far). I will be updating sometime every Saturday.
> 
> I'm extremely excited to continue this story!
> 
> Come say hi to my new [Tumblr](https://l-n--m.tumblr.com/)

“Arthur, I can explain!”

Merlin’s eyes still cast a golden glow in the midst of the forest, the trees swaying softly in the background as Arthur stood with wide eyes. 

“I’ve only ever used it for you, Arthur! I’m so sorry you found out this way,” Arthur could tell he was verging on the edge of panic. Lord, he could read Merlin like the back of his hand. At least, he thought he could. Merlin was still babbling, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The sense of betrayal really hit him then. Merlin was the one person he knew he could trust, the one person that stuck with him all these years. 

He was also the person who had been lying to him for all these years. 

And then came the fear. It rushed at him in broken fragments of memories. He remembered all the grief that magic had brought him- how it corrupts and how much suffering it had brought him. Sorcerers were evil. You can never trust a sorcerer. 

Arthur stumbled backwards. He gripped the hilt of his sword, and that was what finally caused Merlin to stop talking. Merlin didn’t move to run. Instead he stood, defeated under Arthur’s accusatory gaze. 

They stood there for a few tense minutes until Arthur released his hold on his sword. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to pull the blade. He then realized that there was no way he would be able to.. to… No. He had to think of a better way.

And then it came to him.

“Leave,” Arthur croaked. “As King of Camelot I hereby banish you, Merlin. If you set foot on this land after dark today, you will be k-killed on sight.” 

As Arthur forced the words out, Merlin’s resolve finally crumbled and a single tear fell from his eyes. A few seconds later they wouldn’t stop coming. He frantically wiped them away with the palms of his hands, and Arthur’s composure soon dropped as well.

It hurt for him to see Merlin in this state, no matter how much he reminded himself of the betrayal. His chest ached, knowing that he was never going to see him again, and feelings that he had pushed away long ago resurfaced. He stepped forward and pulled Merlin into his arms, hugging him tight in a final embrace.


	2. The Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this one is a little short as well. I actually have a lot more written, but this seemed like a good place to cut off.
> 
> EDIT 10/26 : THERE WILL NOT BE A CHAPTER THIS SATURDAY  
> *apology* I have some big tests on Monday, so I was planning on focusing on school work this weekend instead of editing what I have into a chap. HOWEVER: New chap either on or before next Saturday, and then back on the regular every Sat. :))
> 
> Idk how many people will see this edit, but yeah, life happens. Sorry again!
> 
> My new [Tumblr!](https://l-n--m.tumblr.com/)

It had been a week since Merlin left, but Arthur still couldn’t get away from him. He had refused to get another manservant, but it soon became apparent that he couldn’t take care of himself on his own.

But nothing was worse than talking to Gaius. It was obvious he didn’t approve of his choice, and Arthur felt his heavy eyes boring into the back of his head every time they were in the same room.

His own guilt he could bear with. At first it had been terrible- a deep punch in the gut when no one came to wake him up, Guinevere crying when she thought he couldn’t see. But eventually it turned into anger. It burned into him as Merlin’s betrayal really sunk in. He thought back to last week, last month, last  _ year,  _ and he analyzed their conversations, picking apart the lies.

I was in the tavern, my  _ ass. _

His anger grew so strong that it overwhelmed his very memory of Merlin. Every reminder was a curse, and he was ashamed to admit that his rage sometimes got the better of him. To think that he even  _ cared _ for Merlin. He even refused to speak to Gaius, afraid that he would do something he would regret later.

The dreams started two weeks after Merlin left. He had thought nothing would be worse than talking to Gaius, but these beat those conversations tenfold.

Ironically, it was the dreams that reminded him how much he cared, that his anger stemmed from the part of himself that fell in love with Merlin.

The first night was the most vivid:

_ He watched as he saw himself, addressing a crowd. It’s a weird feeling, you know, to be watching yourself do actions you can’t control. It took awhile for him to become oriented in the first place until he realized that he was watching from the crowd as well. _

_ For some reason, he couldn’t understand what Dream Arthur was saying (dreams are strange like that). Still, it was something else that made him uneasy. It took awhile for him to realize that Dream Arthur spoke with no emotion on his face. Instead, he stood- talking in a monotone and delivering his actions almost mechanically. _

_ Looming behind Dream Arthur was a stake, shadowed and standing over the crowd like a real-life executioner. Never, in his life of royalty, had he felt this apprehensive of the stake. Well, it’s not like he enjoyed watching sorcerers burn, but he never felt this sickly fear that seeped into his bones. _

_ The crowd began to part as guards pushed through, creating a path to bring the poor victim to their death. _

_ That’s when the crying began. Arthur turned around to see what was going on. Behind him, he saw Guinevere being held by Lancelot, sobbing into his chest. He wasn’t bothered that they were together. No, they had talked through that. He was wondering why she was crying. _

Why Gwen? Why are you so sad? _ He tried to say, but his mouth was sealed. He turned back around at the jeering of the crowd, and saw someone he did not expect to see -  a bed of tousled raven hair, and a neckerchief of red. _

_ No! He’s not supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to be in Camelot! _

_ And then ice freezed his veins, and he was unable to move as he realized what was going on- what was going to happen. _

_ No, no NO! _

_ As Merlin stepped up to the raised platform, he spoke to Dream Arthur, a plead in his eyes, a beg for him to stop this, but he was silenced when Dream Arthur slapped him across the face, still expressionless. _

What the hell? _ Arthur tried to yell, a flash of burning hatred.  _ What’s wrong with you?

_ He found he was suddenly able to move again and surged forward. He shoved his way through the crowd and broke through the congestion of people. He  _ needed _ to get to Merlin. He needed to make sure he didn’t get tied to that stake. _

_ The sun, which had been rapidly lowering since he had first found himself in the crowd, cast a reddened glow over the scene, and the stake glinted crimson. Arthur’s imagination went wild, and he thought he saw droplets of blood running down its sides. _

_ He had to get Merlin away from something so evil. _

_ Arthur was nearing the front of the crowd when someone’s hand clasped around his arm in a vice grip. _

Get OFF of me! _ He tried to roar, but still, his mouth was sealed. More hands came to hold him back, and he fought, and he fought, and he fought, but not matter how much he thrashed, they did not let up. _

_ He found himself also trying to plead with Dream Arthur. _ Please, get Merlin away from there, please, please, please….

_ Merlin stood in front of the stake, and the guards reached around to tie him to it. And, my God, he looked  _ scared _. And Arthur just wanted to pull him into a hug and wipe that look off his face. _

_ Tears began to stain Merlin’s cheeks, and lord he recognized that expression from the woods. Arthur had never felt so scared, so helpless in his life. Not when in battle, not before a tournament, but here, watching Merlin with that emotion on his face. He couldn’t quite tell you what exactly that emotion was, but here, he could still recognize it.  _

_ And then Merlin saw him. No, not Dream Arthur, but  _ him _. And when Arthur thought nothing could break him anymore, Merlin smiled. _

_ The next minutes were tense, as Arthur continued thrashing and screaming behind his sealed lips, and the torches grew closer. And when the stake began to burn, Merlin didn’t cry out, and for that Arthur was secretly grateful. _

_ When the smell burning flesh finally reached his nose, Arthur went limp, and caved inward. The shackled grip of the crowd let go of him, and he curled up on the ground, sobs wracking his body. _

_ He would never see Merlin again, and that thought alone made his heart seize in agony. That sunny smile would never wake him up in the morning again. He would never see the bright glint in Merlin’s eyes, nor would he hear his brilliant laugh or the teasing banter he so desperately craved. _

When he woke up that morning, he had never felt more lonely in his life. And when he watched the sun rise from his window, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the stake that was cast in ruby.

 

\--

 

A month after Merlin’s banishment, Camelot began to struggle. No one could understand why their King was so melancholy. The knights did not get daily training, requests from citizens were not being heard, and the war against against Morgana never swung in their favor. The citizens of Camelot began to grow restless, but Arthur didn’t know what to do.

He _ would know exactly how to fix this.  _ A voice whispered in Arthur’s ear.

But no, he couldn’t think like that.

He was walking back to his chambers. It had been a long day, as he was working on fixing the problems he had created in his kingdom. And yes, it was his fault. No amount of denial could change that.

But still, a tiny part of him still believed that it was  _ Merlin’s _ fault.

He opened the doors and saw what a mess his life had become. Clothes were strewn about, and his new manservant was neglecting his duties.

He couldn’t bring himself to care.

But then he saw something rather strange, something bright against the dull colors of his life, a letter lain on top of it.

Curious, he picked up the letter, and began to read:

_ Arthur, _

_ First off, I would like to thank you for your gift, no matter how intentional it was. You see, he wandered straight to me. It was strange, though, to see him lost in the woods without his king by his side, and even more strange was his packed bag. _

_ Still, thank you, dear brother. It has been so entertaining, and I think I’ll keep him alive for a long time. After all, why would I let him die so quickly? Why give him a short and relatively painless death when I can have all the fun I want? _

_ Here, I’ll let him talk to you. Well, actually, I’ll let him write. It’s kind of hard to talk without a tongue. _

Here, the handwriting changed dramatically, and each word that followed felt like a stab to his gut.

_ I’m sorry, Arthur. You don’t have to come for me. I hope you are happy, now that I’m gone, I really do. Morgana’s helped me understand a lot of things. She’s showed me how I hurt everyone I touch, especially you, Arthur, and I’m glad that I’m not there to hurt you anymore. I’m getting everything I deserve now, because yes, I deserve this, and you don’t have to worry about seeing me again. _

_ Your Loyal Servant, _

_ Merlin _

Arthur’s hand shook as he stood with the letter, and he didn’t realize he was crying until he saw splotches of water fall onto the paper. He picked up the bright color that and caught his eye, knowing already what it was. Ignoring the darker stains in the red neckerchief, he hugged it to his chest as he broke apart.

He looked up, and in the mirror, he saw a familiar expression. It was the one Merlin wore in the woods and in his dreams. It was the one that haunted his every waking hour and the one that resurfaced in his sleep. He saw it in his own face then, and he could finally put words to the emotion:

Pure, unadulterated terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a question: Would you like to continue to see Arthur's POV, or would you like me to switch to Merlin's? I'm not sure if I'm really expecting answers or not, but it wouldn't hurt to ask!


	3. Retrieval

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need friends! Come say [Hello!!!](https://l-n--m.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Sorry, but here's a late upload, but better late than never i guess. I don't know how, but my writing got wiped, so here we go again. But on the bright side, I'm still trucking along, and maybe I can take the story on a completely different route. 
> 
> This chapter got extremely rushed, but it's what I was able to do under the circumstances. Even though this part is not my best work, the story was always going to be mostly about the fluff and recovery at the end, so look forward to that :))

It was as if a fire had been lit under Camelot, and the gloom that had spread over the kingdom slowly began to fade as Arthur began to be driven by sheer determination. 

His best knights, especially those that were close to Merlin, were given the task. Arthur had every one of Morgana’s old hideouts searched and inspected for clues. They were all dead ends, but Arthur still wouldn’t give in. 

It was the guilt that finally made him do something he probably should of done a long time ago: talk to Gaius.

He learned about everything Merlin had done for him. And, oh, how he repaid him.

Arthur was well aware of how terrible and cruel Morgana could be, but he couldn’t allow himself the time to mourn for Merlin’s sanity. He couldn’t let the guilt completely consume him just yet. Some could say he was still in shock, or that he wasn’t allowing the severity of the situation to fully sink in. And he would agree with both statements. 

Morgana must of realized that the situation she devised was, in an indirect way, helping Camelot rebuild. Another letter arrived in Arthur’s bedroom two months later. She wanted to meet Arthur in the woods. Merlin would be there.

So preparations were being made.

Gaius confirmed that there was a way to fix Merlin’s tongue and most physical wounds, but he was more concerned on what Merlin’s mental state would be when they retrieved him.

“Arthur, I won’t be able to get a clear idea of his mental state unless you tell me exactly what was in the letter,” Gaius reasoned. 

But Arthur had burned the letter, and he couldn’t tell Gaius what it said. Just reading it once was enough for him. 

They were about to set off into the woods- Arthur, Gwaine, Percival, and Gaius. The terms Morgana set in in the second letter said that he was only to bring three extras. He was not going to mess this up by going against those terms.

The horses charged into the woods, the sound of their hooves the only conversation that passed between the men. The full moon shone down on them. Three crimson capes and a brown cloak flared behind the party as they continued to get closer to the clearing.

An unspoken tension descended on the riders. No matter what, they were getting Merlin back. 

They broke through the trees and stopped. A dark figure stood across from them.

“Ah, brother! How lovely it is to see you,” Morgana’s sweet voice lilted in the air.

She stepped out of the shadows, and the moon illuminated her features. She wore a dark dress, her once pristine hair now tangled in a mess of curls. Yet what Arthur noticed first was the lack of Merlin.

“Where is he?” Arthur’s voice raised a bit, bordering on high pitched. “You said he’d be here!”

“I assume you speak of Merlin?” Morgana snapped her fingers and something dropped in a lump behind her. “I’m afraid I had to knock him out. He  _ really _ doesn’t want to see you, brother. I wonder what you did to him?”

_ “This was all you and you know it,”  _ Arthur snarled. He jumped off his horse and started charging towards Morgana, but he hit some sort of invisible barrier. He continued to run at it.

“Hmmmm, you know just for that, I might entertain the idea of keeping him around a little longer,” Morgana replied. She started tapping her chin as if she were thinking. A grin stretched across her face, but you could see the threat that lie behind her eyes. “Brother, do stop trying to get past the barrier. You know, you really surprised me. I thought the letter would be the thing to break you for good. However, it seemed to have the opposite effect. It gave you a goal, did it?”

The rest of Arthur’s small party jumped down and joined him at the barrier. Arthur was seething. It felt as if every part of his body was on fire, as if he were the one on the stake. The presence of his comrades made him calm down a little. 

“So if a letter didn’t get through your thick skull, then maybe killing him right in front of you may help.” Morgana hissed. She grabbed Merlin’s hair and pulled him forward into the light. She kept walking until she stood right behind the barrier and in front of Arthur.

And Arthur saw Merlin for the first time in months. Suppressed feelings rushed up all at once. His chest started aching and Arthur had to blink away the tears. The only thing that marred Merlin’s face was a cut on his lip. Other than that, he looked relatively unscathed. 

Gaius and the knights made noises of surprise. They, too, expected him to look worse.

But the momentary relief was replaced by fear when Arthur remembered what position he was in. 

“You. Will. Not,” he seethed through grit teeth. He drew his sword and brought in down, but it did nothing but clang uselessly against the barrier. 

Morgana looked up at him, unimpressed. “Ladies and gentlemen, our mighty king,” she said sarcastically. “You know what, I think I want Merlin to be awake for this.”

Arthur’s breathing started to come faster, and he felt petrified. How would Merlin react to seeing him? He felt tears prickle at his eyes again, and he was glad these were the only people to see him in his state. 

This was not the reunion he wanted. 

Morgana glanced down and muttered some words. Merlin jerked on the ground a few times. After a few seconds, he stopped, and Arthur held his breath as Merlin blinked open his eyes. 

Merlin yawned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. Eyes still shut, he stretched his arms up, and it was such a Merlin thing to do that Arthur couldn’t help a small smile quirk on his lips. However, it soon disappeared when Merlin’s sleeves rolled down a little, revealing bloody and raw wrists. 

Merlin lowered his arms and opened his eyes, and they went wide. He stumbled backward, but Morgana caught a fistful of his hair. “Look upon your king as you take your last breath.” She hissed. She flipped a knife from the folds of her dress and plunged it in Merlin’s side.

“NO,” Arthur hacked at the barrier, the tears now free falling. Gwaine dropped to his knees as Percival tried to pull Arthur back. 

Morgana dropped Merlin to the ground, and she disappeared with a snap of her fingers in a fume of smoke. The barrier dissipated.

Arthur rushed forward and placed Merlin’s head on his lap. He sat, numb, as he carded his fingers through Merlin’s hair. Around him, Gaius worked and shouted orders to the knights.

 

They made the trip back to Camelot quickly, and Gaius forced Arthur out of the room while he worked. He needed all the focus he could get.

Arthur thought it was too good to be true when Gaius said Merlin would be alright. 

And he was proven right when Merlin finally woke up.


	4. Interlude

Arthur paused outside of the infirmary with a hand on the door. Gaius had warned him that Merlin wasn’t going to be the same, but how much could change? 

_ No,  _ he thought, the first letter still fresh in his mind.  _ Everything could change.  _

Time seemed to slow as he gathered up his courage. He couldn't bear to think of what Merlin had been through, but whatever it was, it had left Gaius very shaken. He left two instructions for Arthur. 

The first was to speak softly. That, he could somewhat understand. The last thing he wanted to do was startle Merlin.

The second was to let him sleep. If he walked in, and Merlin was sleeping, he was not to wake him up. Gaius said that under no circumstance was he to keep Merlin awake.

Gaius also told him one last thing. He said that Merlin wasn't thinking straight- that Morgana had fed him lie after lie until he broke. He said that Arthur was perhaps the only person who could help him at this point.

Arthur took a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart, still wondering what in the world his manservant had endured. 

But before he could compose himself, the door swung open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe I owe an explanation, and here it is:
> 
> The next update will be TOMORROW.
> 
> The format if going to change a bit, but I'm going to ask you guys to trust me on this. I'm hoping the next chapter is going to flesh out a bunch of stuff and build a good base for the rest of the story.
> 
> Also, I'm going to apologize in advance to those that are waiting so patiently for the fluff. I promise it's coming, but these next chapters are going to be very dark.


	5. Merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little but of torture near the end. Please skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.
> 
> This will be the only chapter in Merlin's POV. The rest will be in Arthur's. I just wanted to fill in gaps before I continued.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Come say hi on my [TUMBLR](https://l-n--m.tumblr.com/)

The trip to Ealdor was uneventful. He had made it there in record time- only two days. He glanced up at the evening sky as he stood at the outskirts of the village. He was ecstatic to see his mother again, though he couldn’t help but be reminded of Will.

With a new spring in his step, he walked into the village. He smiled at the familiar faces with a feeling close to joy. 

He came up to his childhood home, still smiling, and knocked, “Mom!”

He heard a loud clatter inside before he tentatively walked in.

Hunith was cooking, but now she looked up at him in surprise. “Merlin!” She let out an astonished gasp. “Oh, Merlin, you should of sent a letter in advance! Is Arthur with you?”

And with that reminder, Merlin’s glee faltered, and he remembered the reason he was there. “No. No he’s not.”

Hunith took in his troubled expression and asked, “Did something happen?”

Merlin nodded and pulled out a chair. Sitting, he leaned forward and covered his face with his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.

Hunith pulled another chair across from him and hesitantly reached for him. “You can tell me when you’re ready."

They sat like that for a while before Merlin finally looked up, his eyes slightly puffy.

“He knows,” he croaked.

Hunith’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, Merlin, did you run? You know he could never hurt you.”

“No, he couldn’t,” Merlin said. “But he had to get rid of me somehow.”

Understanding dawned on Hunith’s face. “He banished you.” She stated. Merlin’s silence was an answer in itself.

She studied him for a moment in silence. “You loved him,” She said. 

Merlin’s breath hitched, slightly shocked by her bluntness. “Yes.”

“Well, he loved you too,” she answered, a knowing look on her face.

“What?” Merlin gasped.

Hunith smiled. “A mother can always tell,” she said. “He looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky.”

Merlin’s lip twitched up, and he was grateful for her for cheering him up. “He won’t be able to go two weeks without me”

“He’ll come to the village looking for you in no time,” Hunith said.

He fell asleep with a warm meal from his mother and a tiny sliver of hope.

  
  


That night, in his sleep, he was taken from the house with shackles on his wrists, and when we woke up, he was lying on a dirt floor. His magic… wasn’t working.

Looking around, he saw Morgana watching him from the corner of the room, a collection of knives on the table.

-

-

 

A few days later, she handed him a letter.

“But, Morgana, you didn’t find me in the woods, and I still have my tongue,” Merlin glanced up with a cheeky smile plastered on his face.

“You won’t have it for long if you don’t write down exactly what I say,” Morgana hissed. 

Merlin took the quill from her hand. He knew better than to doubt her threats, but he couldn’t help but retort, “You always did have a flair for the dramatic.”

She grinned and told him what to write. He dutifully looped the words in his script, not really paying attention to the meaning.

After he finished, he sat back and read over his words. The full force of them hit him then. There was  _ no _ way he could send this to Arthur. He quickly felt his cheeks start to dampen.

“You know it’s true,” Morgana said.

“No,” Merlin rasped. “My actions were only made to save his life.”

Morgana tutted and grabbed the paper before he could intervene, rolling up the letter. “And that, Merlin, is where you’re wrong. You’ve done more harm than good. He hates you now. I can only imagine the look on his face when your true nature was revealed.” 

She took Merlin’s neckerchief, long torn and battered, and kneeled next to where Merlin sat. “My, you’ve got quite a cut here,” she traced a broken fingernail over a gash on his collarbone. “I’ll help clean it up.” She wiped the fabric over it, doing nothing but smear the blood. Merlin winced.

“When he gets the letter, he’s going to come for you.” Merlin said. “He’s going to walk in here, sword drawn, and he’ll kill you for what you’ve done.” He had to admit, Morgana was already breaking cracks in his faith. He felt as if he were trying to reassure himself more than threaten her.

Morgana chuckled, her laugh pitched and manic. “Oh,  _ no _ , Merlin. He’d kill  _ you _ for what  _ you’ve _ done.” She grabbed Merlin’s chin and looked at him darkly. “He never wants to see you again. Why else would he banish you?”

Morgana could feel a plan start to form in her mind. After all, why tell him lies herself when he could hear them straight from the source?

She forced Merlin into unconsciousness.

-

-

 

A rough hand shook his shoulder, and Merlin blearily looked up through squinted eyes. His gaze hazy, he took in golden hair and a brown leather vest. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. As his vision cleared, he was sure. This was Arthur. 

He genuinely smiled for the first time in a while. 

“Hey clotpole,” he coughed. “You’re late.” 

He vaguely felt Arthur’s grip on his shoulder tighten, and he was so focused on that that he didn’t see the backhanded slap until it hit him at full force. 

“That is no way to address me,  _ Merlin. _ ” Arthur growled. 

Shocked, Merlin looked back at Arthur. The Arthur he knew wouldn’t hit him, would he? 

He examined Arthur's eyes, trying to find what was amiss. It was no doubt Arthur, but his gaze missed a small thing he couldn't put a finger on. Instead, it reflected hurt and anger. It was an expression Merlin never wanted to see on Arthur’s face again.

It occurred to him that this could be Morgana’s doing, but that thought, though highly plausible, washed away completely from his mind when something absurd happened.

Arthur steadied himself on Merlin’s shoulders, both hands now on him in a vice grip. Merlin, still reeling from the hit, noticed a slight change in those blue eyes before Arthur surged forward. 

Merlin stilled, his eyelids fluttering as he tried to process what was happening. First he had been slapped, and now Arthur was kissing him?

But he soon gave in, closing his eyes and melting. Though he was unwilling to admit it, he had fantasised of this for years, and it was just as good as he imagined it. Arthur’s lips were soft and pliant under his own, and Merlin shakily ran a hand through though those flaxen strands. 

He felt as if he were in a daze, but his bliss was quickly shattered by a sharp burst of pain from his shoulder blade. Merlin was still stunned by the fact that he was kissing  _ Arthur, _ especially when Arthur bit particularly hard on his lower lip, but the pain in his back was persistent. He whimpered into Arthur’s mouth, pawing at his shoulders.

Arthur pulled back, his eyes now smoldering. Under different circumstances, Merlin could say that he was extremely attractive then. He was a full colored painting. 

Then he noticed the knife in Arthur’s hand, blood staining the tip. 

Then he knew this  _ had _ to be some kind of trick from Morgana. 

“On your stomach,” Arthur commanded. 

“What are you going to do?” Merlin looked up, and for the first time since Morgana found him, he felt truly afraid. 

“On your stomach,” Arthur repeated, stroking the knife almost lovingly. “And pull up your shirt.”

When Merlin didn’t move to do anything, Arthur grabbed him and forced him down. “Must I always do everything myself,” he muttered, and it sounded so much like the Arthur he knew that he almost laughed.

He felt Arthur sitting on his lower back, the cold touch of steel trailing lightly on his skin. 

“You know, Merlin, I am a rather good artist,” Arthur said. “And here I’ve got such a nice canvas.” 

“Arthur, please,” Merlin’s voice shook.

“That’s still not a proper way to address me,” Arthur placed a hand flat on Merlin’s back. 

“Please,” Merlin begged. “The real you wouldn’t do this. You would never hurt me.” His voice started to raise in pitch.

“Tell me, does this feel real to you?” He carved a line into Merlin’s back. 

Merlin cried out.

“Merlin, you’ve hurt me more than you can imagine” (T).  _ But I’ve saved you so much more than  _ you  _ can imagine. _

“You’ve lied to me all these years” (R).  _ So I wouldn’t burn. _

“You killed my _ father _ ” (A).  _ I’m sorry. _

“I hoped I’d never see you again” (I).  _ Please. _

Merlin continued writhing on the floor, sobbing out apologies. 

“I wish I burned you at the stake” (T).  _ Anything would be better than this. _

“I  _ loathe  _ you” (O).  _ I  _ love _ you. _

“Let this be a reminder” (R).  _ I’m not a traitor. _

Arthur finally sat back, admiring his lettering on Merlin’s back, 

The last thing he heard was Arthur hissing in his ear, “ God, Merlin, dry your face.  _ No man is worth your tears.” _

As the weeks went by, he forgot that it was a trick, and he knew for fact that this was the realest Arthur he was ever going to get again.

The scene in the forest felt entirely like a dream.

Seeing Gaius felt like relief.

But when Arthur walked into the infirmary, he immediately raked his gaze over the familiar figure, looking for the knife.


	6. Road to Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, these past few chapters have been a mess, and this one is not an exception. I've decided to end it here and move on to other ideas and projects.
> 
> Nevertheless, I'm proud to say this is my very first full fic I've ever written (with the exception of like, one short one-shot), and despite it's many, many problems, I'm okay with it as it is. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! Come say hi on my [tumblr](https://l-nn-m.tumblr.com/)

Arthur didn’t like the look on Merlin’s face, but after the past few months of… whatever this mess was, Arthur was overjoyed. He stood in the doorway, quite awkwardly, just taking in Merlin laying on the bed. Merlin wore his old usual apparel, and it was just so… normal that Arthur felt tears forming in his eyes.

 

“M-Merlin,” he gasped out. “You’re, you’re here.” He took a heavy breath and let a wide smile come over his face. Merlin was finally back. Merlin was safe. 

 

Arthur shook violently as tears threatened to stream down his face. He hated them, really. He’d been crying a lot these past few months.

 

He walked into the infirmary. Lately it had been devoid of life and its usual color, but now, Arthur realized, it was just missing Merlin. 

 

But… Merlin was shrinking into himself, making himself smaller. Merlin tore his gaze away, and he wouldn’t meet Arthur’s eyes again. 

 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked softly. “Are you okay?” And he regretted asking right after he said it. Of course he wasn’t okay. His friend had been left in Morgana’s hands for months now. How could he expect everything to be fixed with just the snap of his fingers? Nothing with Merlin was ever that simple.

 

“Just get on with it then,” Merlin mumbled. “No need for the pleasantries.” Merlin fixed his gaze on the ceiling, and Arthur had the overwhelming desire to tell Merlin to just look at him. 

 

Arthur carefully made the rest of the way to Merlin, not wanting to startle him any more. Merlin just kept staring at the ceiling, as if he were a million miles away. Arthur pulled up a chair by Merlin’s bedside. After a few seconds of tense silence, Arthur hesitantly touched Merlin’s wrist. 

 

Merlin flinched away violently, his eyes going wide, and he finally looked at Arthur again. “Where’s the knife?” He asked, and Arthur was left with only confusion.

 

“What knife?” A pause. He began to wonder about the implications of Merlin’s question. Gaius never did tell him what Merlin went through. A hundred different scenarios began to run through his head. “Merlin, what knife?” 

 

Merlin squinted his eyes up at him. “You’re acting a bit weird,  _ sire.  _ Got bored of the knife already? Are you finally going to let me die?”

 

Arthur’s heart dropped through the floor. He spluttered, trying to find something to say. The quiet of the infirmary started to unsettle him, and Merlin’s unfocused gaze was straight up killing him. 

 

“Oh, are you just here to admire your work? Like that one time last week?” Merlin looked just as confused as Arthur felt. “That must be it.”

 

“Merls, I don’t know what you’re t-,” He stopped talking when Merlin started struggling to sit up. “Hey hey, hey, let me help.” He gently laid a hand on Merlin’s arm and back, and oh god he was skinny. Merlin reached back and started untying his neckerchief. 

 

“Morgana came back and healed most of it, and Gaius tried his best to get rid of the scars. But don’t worry, your handiwork is still there.” Merlin started tugging up his shirt. Arthur’s hands fidgeted as he felt the need to help him again, but he didn’t want to startle him again. He braced himself as Merlin’s shirt finally came off. 

 

Arthur couldn’t fully comprehend what he was seeing. The landscape of Merlin’s upper body was painted with scars and accusatory words. With a jolt, he realized he recognized his own handwriting. 

 

No… she couldn’t of….

 

“Merlin, who did this to you?” Arthur gently nudged Merlin’s chin to get his attention, bringing their gazes together. 

 

His fears were confirmed with Merlin’s reply. 

 

“You.” 

 

Arthur staggered away from him a few steps. He… Merlin had to know that it wasn’t actually him, right? A hatred boiled up inside of him, and he knew that sooner or later, he was going to kill Morgana for what she did. 

 

“Sire? Are you alright?” Merlin said. 

 

“No,” Arthur looked at him in shock. “No, I’m not alright. Neither are you. I didn’t do this to you, Merlin. Morgana did, and it’s Arthur. It’s always been just Arthur.”

A soft knock sounded on the door before Gaius walked in. He seemed exhausted, and he carried a small stack of books. Gaius glanced between the two of them and said, “I’ve found the enchantment Morgana used on Merlin.” He brought down the books on the table behind them, flipping through a few of the pages. “Here, it allows the caster to wear the face and voice of anyone they desire. It’s extremely dark magic.” 

 

“So it really wasn’t Arthur,” Merlin mumbled. 

 

“No, it wasn’t,” Arthur said. “I would never do this to you. Morgana was just trying to get into your head. She did this… to hurt both of us.”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur properly. “She was wrong about many things, but some of her words did ring true. I deserved this. I’ve done-,” he sniffed, “horrible things.” He glanced back down to the scars on his body. “Why did you come back for me?”

 

Arthur was lost for words for a second. “Well, Merlin, I… I missed my friend.” He trailed off.

 

Gaius gave him a dirty look.

 

“My best friend,” Arthur amended. “I missed my idiot manservant who reminded me that I am human, who kept me from making many terrible mistakes, and who is such a clotpole to have believed that I could’ve hurt a hair on his head.” 

Merlin dramatically faked a gasp. “You threw stuff at me!” He said. The slight smile that graced his lips left almost immediately after his attempt at humor

 

Arthur smiled weakly and said, “Well you’re starting to sound more like yourself.” 

 

It was quiet for a few moments before Gaius spoke up. “Well, I do believe it’s time for Merlin to get some more rest,” he said. “He’s had a rough few months, and a full recovery won’t be immediate.” 

 

Merlin laid back slowly onto the bed and closed his eyes. “Arthur?” He mumbled. 

 

“Yeah?” Arthur said. 

 

“Hmmm, you better be the same Arthur when I wake up- didn’t quite like the other one.”

 

“Of course.”

  
Arthur knew it would still be rough for a while, but he finally had his manservant back.  _ His  _ manservant. He was never going to let him out of his sight again, and maybe someday, he would have another king by his side. 


End file.
